January 1 (New Years Day Saturday): Have Fun, Stay Single. Dream: I am on some TV show exactly like the Surreal Life. One of the participants on there is Dean Cain and he begins to bully me on the show, so I wind up breaking his back and chopping him up. Needless to say, I get evicted from the show.

I awake around 8AM and this is the new year. The world is silent. It is never this silent. Right now, I am probably the only person on Layer Road up and making any noise, my window is open and I can’t even hear any sound of car engines in the distance. Is this 28 Days Later? I’ll tell you what it is, it is bliss. Or it would be if I shut my hole and was just able to enjoy the peace and quiet for once. By right, one (or all) of my neighbours right now should be banging on my door/window in order to restore the tranquillity.

I hit the streets in search of my Saturday fix of the weekend newspapers, primarily for the excellent Guardian Guide, the first of 2005. I hit the streets and nothing is open. My local store, within a stones throw, is shut. And then on a larger scale, the corporates are shut as I attempt to hit/go to Asda and the barriers are down. Asda is never shut! Eventually I find a cornershop open but the staff and owners of these independent shops are always so rude, I have long decided not to give them my money. And as per before, the staff remain the rudest, the least customer friendly types creating resentment when I give them my hard sponged money. Do they actually want my business?

With things quiet, I drive around Colchester for a bit taking more photos on my digital camera hoping to make things look pretty. However the camera gets through yet another set of batteries, the third since I cracked the baby open on Christmas Day. No one told me that they sucked up juice at this rate. Oh no, Mr Man in his funny “Merry Christmas” baseball cap failed to warn me about that when telling me how the camera takes pictures made up of 3 million pixels or something. Oh well, such is life.

I return home, with the world still relatively quiet and hung-over, to find the Disney cartoon of Robin Hood on. This is one of my favourite Disney cartoons and actually curiously one me and Bella did not watch when we rented all (or it seemed all) the Disney cartoons from Blockbuster back in the day.#

Today I have next to zero food in the flat. I really could have done with a big shop, if only to get some milk. I scavenge around for a meal and root around the box of goodies that mum sent me home with on Boxing Day. Eventually my New Years Day lunch consists of a box of pretzels and box of six mince pies. Tubby bitch.

Now feeling quite/rather rough as a result, my afternoon pretty much consists of watching Uncle Buck on TV and checking on the football on internet radio. Today Millwall are at Watford and Millwall never beat Watford. I saw both games against Watford last season and for some reason they just don’t do it against the Hornets. Does Elton John have some kind of deal? However with recent form, you would expect Millwall to win today. No way. Things look bad when you see the changes Wise has to make through injuries, including forcing himself out of the team in addition to Scott Dobie (now finding his feet it seems) ruled out of the line-up. Things begin badly when Watford score after 15 minutes and whenever that happens, it always seems/appears miraculous whenever Millwall are able to peg anything back. Eventually the nails seal the coffin when Danny Dichio gets send off in the 53rd minute. Typical Dichio. They wind up losing 1-0. Or maybe a better term would be choking 1-0.

From there I attempt to watch Antz because it features Woody Allen but my apparent ill health on this day (bad diet) forces me lose interest. In early evening I stagger out back onto the streets in search of somewhere selling food. I drive to my usual chip shop haunts, where I usually go when I am feeling sorry for myself but no dice; they’re taking a New Years holiday also. As a last shot I attempt Tesco but the barrier is down there also. What happened to supply and demand, no wonder these supermarkets don’t make any money (exaggerating for comedic effect there). I maintain my dignity though; I refuse to go into the service station like a hop head pot head with the munchies and no clue. Instead I return home in agony.

Upon further investigation I discover an old tin of beans and I lap that baby up, mixing it with curry sauce for a kick. Ultimately though, naturally it only serves to further upset my internals/intestines. Its acid park in there.

Delirious, I potter around on the internet while I wait for the Comedians Comedian Top Fifty on Channel Four. I come across the V/VM website and discover that he has put the Rank Sinatra up online to download for free for a limited period. Back of the net. I then also receive an email from Macrocosmica and they have come up with some answers to the questions I sent. Topski.

Eventually I make it to 9PM without dying and the Comedian’s Comedian run down. It turns out to be really odd line-up, Bill Hicks only at number 13 and no sign of Lenny Bruce while some really atrocious names gained entry. The winner turns out to be Peter Cook which is a real surprise but at the same time pretty correct.

The winner of the rundown should have been predictable really by Channel Four’s scheduling of The Real Derek And Clive documentary straight after the show. They showed this originally on Christmas night two years ago and I videoed at the time and have never seen the tape since (maybe someone else in my house enjoyed too much also). This the most fantastic documentary and in the aftermath of watching Ricky Gervais uncontrollably laughing at tracks like “Parking Offence”, “World Records” and “T.V.” I find myself swearing uncontrollably all in the name of satire (apparently). Yeah, as if I need anything to fuel that.

Now bed ways is best ways.

np: The Breeders – New Year



The full list of the Comedian’s Comedian on Channel Four

1. Peter Cook
2. John Cleese
3. Woody Allen
4. Eric Morecambe
5. Groucho Marx
6. Tommy Cooper
7. Laurel and Hardy
8. Billy Connolly
9. Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer
10. Richard Pryor
11. Chris Morris
12. Tony Hancock
13. Bill Hicks
14. Peter Sellers
15. Steve Martin
16. Ronnie Barker
17. Steve Coogan
18. Charlie Chaplin
19. Eddie Izzard
20. Paul Merton
21. Eric Idle
22. Peter Kay
23. Larry David
24. Rowan Atkinson
25. Bob Hope
26. Harry Hill
27. Victoria Wood
28. Spike Milligan
29. Christopher Guest
30. Michael Palin
31. French and Saunders
32. Eddie Murphy
33. Bob Monkhouse
34. Rik Mayall
35. Steven Wright
36. Ken Dodd
37. Les Dawson
38. Chic Murray
39. Stephen Fry
40. Joan Rivers
41. Joyce Grenfell
42. Phil Silvers
43. Jackie Mason
44. Eric Sykes
45. Robin Williams
46. Paul Whitehouse
47. Bill Cosby
48. Mike Myers
49. Ricky Gervais
50. Mel Brooks