Wednesday, December 29, 2004

December 12 (Sunday): Today I wake up with the most steaming headache/migraine, the kind that feels like a tumour and generally rests itself right behind my right eye making it feel as if it is spewing out blood. Today I really want to stay in bed for the duration and basically lick my wounds as my mental pain/toll eases after the latest let down.

I find myself in a state of disbelief, how could I have been so stupid yet again, this just being the latest in/of a long line of people to take me for a ride. And I worry myself over my reaction to it but console myself that I think that is just how/what Haslett would have done were the tables reversed.

I go fishing for sympathy (sometimes I’m not proud) and I go whinging to Azmei, texting to her my moans and pointing out that “this is the exact same that happened with Lindsey”. Well, its not really the exact thing but pretty similar/close. Just texts a couple of times with a certain/limited amount sympathy but basically I’m fishing in the wrong pond her.

I lie in bed contemplative and verging on the philosophical, all that pathetic stuff that goes through a person’s mind after something bad happens to them and they’re (in their minds) totally blameless. And it easy to do, you can just lie in bed and mass debate the day away, you don’t even have to lift a finger as mentally you put the world to rights and not only that, for your experience you now find yourself a stronger person (what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger etc) and a stronger willed, more determined person than before. And all whilst lying on your arse doing nothing. Pretty pathetic.

Watching a download of one of the Martin Scorsese Blues series helps me to snap out of things, this episode being the one where Chuck D tracks down the origins of Muddy Waters’ Electric Mud record. This is the first episode of these documentaries and I hope they’re all as good as this one, it is fantastic.

In order to prevent becoming half a stalker, I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t text or phone Haslett today but fuck it, that goes out of the window when I manage to wind myself up over things again by thinking about them too much and I set about attempting to phone her and occasionally texting her again (albeit a bit calmed down now). It appears that she still has her phone switched/turned off. I hope it has caused her to miss many important phone calls in the process of her avoiding me.

I head out and go to Tesco Hythe where I food it up. Today I really fancy some hot chocolate and I discover that they (Nestle) now make Lion’s Bar drinking chocolate. Yes! And it tastes as awesome as you would imagine.

I get home to watch some Disney kids movie called Heavyweights just because it has Ben Stiller in it and the kid from Pete And Pete (Clem, Little Pete’s mate). The film also briefly features the awesome Jerry Stiller (Ben’s dad) but ultimately it is pre-fame Ben Stiller and therefore shit. That deserves a nasty text to Sara methinks.

Due to my lack of sleep during last nights disturbed night, I get so much needed shut eye.

Sunday at 6PM occurs and it’s the Simpsons, the show that will save any mood any day. Tonight is the grifting episode, which will always make me laugh.

In the evening Richard MSNs and asks me how it went with “My Smelly Valentine”. Like a chump I tell him how the wind blows and I feel like such a loser/chump in the process, describing all that happened and its fucking aftermath.

The night ends with me listening to Hunter S. Thompson MP3s and suddenly I feel inspired and rejuvenated, my god it didn’t take me long to get over the Sara situation did it?

On TV is more Christmas stuff with the movies Bring It On followed by Bullitt but I’m too hyper to bother watching either of them, instead I actually manage to dig/fly into some writing for the first time all weekend. I get a buzz on.

Well past midnight and I eventually turn in, putting on the Fear And Loathing DVD and watching it into the early hours.

np: Decahedron – No Carrier


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