December 4 (Saturday): What Is Pornography? Saturday morning and that means newspaper day. I awaken and find that I have finally downloaded Garden State off Soulseek but for the life of me I cannot get the .avi file to play. I scan the internet however and eventually come across BS Player which plays not only the Garden State file but a number of other .avi files that have previously not worked.

In the post today I get my first dole cheque. Its official, I’m a sponger. And this is the weirdest cheque I’ve ever seen in my life, like a Wonka bar but in cheque form. It’s about £86, a week and a half’s payola. Can’t wait to be back in work with a salary.

I settle down to watch Garden State expecting a lot. Sadly however it doesn’t deliver. I don’t know, the film just doesn’t seem finished or even overly believable, taking some very realistic/true points and not really doing anything with them. Disappointed. Halfway through, the option to MSN with Acton proves preferable to sticking with the movie meandering nowhere.

I do the Saturday morning newspaper run and by the time I get in it has reached passed midday and already, on paper, half the day has gone to waste.

By now Coffee And Cigarettes has finished downloading so I get down to watching that and I have to admit the slow pace of it all only helps me, in this state of funk, slip into an afternoon nap. Without doubt there are some cool sequences in the movie but the Cate Blanchett one sends me into a coma, meaning I miss the White Stripes sequence. Obviously the best sequence is the Iggy Pop and Tom Waits one as the pair of them play along with the theme and dropping their cool whilst pretending not to. Also Steve Coogan acting like Alan Partridge isn’t an act and of course Bill Murray always give good head, not least for holding his own with the Wu Tang Clan. Or should that be vice versa? Otherwise though, it will be a long time before I bother with this movie again.

As the afternoon reaches 3PM and the football kicks off, I find myself watching my third download of the day in the form of Napoleon Dynamite, a camcorder in the cinema job split into two halves of small byte video files which only matches in lo fi quality, making the film just about watchable. Napoleon Dynamite initially has me laughing, the main is SO funny, so dry and pathetic and gormless as people I know but still making grand announcements in a wave of delusion. People have compared this to a Wes Anderson movie (mainly Rushmore) but the grimey vibe of a run down, small town American high school and a loser being picked on only serves to remind me of Welcome To The Dollhouse, one of the most tragic ever. I stick with the movie and the story never really matches the characters as it stays truthful to a drab, low event existence. And the internet date/singles just does not rub.

Meanwhile, it seems that I should have bothered to go to Millwall as their game at home to Sheffield United sounds as if it is proving as eventful (and fun) as last years game. All sounds like it goes mental at halftime when Kevin Muscat gets sent off along with the Sheffield United goalie and they both get sent off. Nuts. The second half happens and I don’t realise this at the time but Sheffield United don’t actually have a reserve goalie so they have to stick an on field player in goal. So, when Millwall take the lead with a Phillps goal, it sounds about right. However, the strikers (well, Hayles on his own, with a little support from Tessem and Ifill) don’t appear to be able to score in a brothel by the sounds of it. Eventually, sod’s law Sheffield United score an equaliser and then, as per all season, a late goal happens and it’s Sheffield United who go and score and they win 2-1. Grief.

An equally dire day happens on TV, as the afternoon film is Disney doing football (our football) in the movie The Big Green starring Mahoney from Police Academy. This will make you drink and drive.

Early evening gets spent with more MSN with Acton before some show about Cole Porter comes on and I realise I have spent the whole day with the TV on. Late evening and America’s Sweethearts comes on and finally I can’t stand the idea of TV. Relief.

Late and Sweet And Lowdown is on BBC and I had forgotten just how fantastic this movie is, how accurate and touching Sean Penn’s character is. Still, I fall asleep halfway through and stay asleep meaning I miss Midnight Cowboy on Channel Four which is on late late late.

I need to get out the house.

np: Neil Young – Don’t Let It Bring You Down