January 5 (Wednesday): Expect The Best. I set my alarm this morning for 7AM and an early start to hopefully a fruitful day. Only I wake up with a headache. Apparently today would have been Elvis’ seventieth birthday.

I get up and Haslett is online but the supposed money she has sent me isn’t. We begin an MSN session, with me asking where the money has gone:
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
morning
Sara says:
meeting
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
money?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
web meeting
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you said your dad was going to Sri Lanka?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
oi
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
have a word when you're done
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
also check this out www.diskant.net I'm almost famous
Sara says:
sorry was in a proper meeting
Sara says:
dad is in sri lanka
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
just wondering about the money thing because Paypal is instant
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
hello
Sara says:
im in a meeting for the 20th time
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
twenty meetings in one day, poor baby
Sara says:
sarcastic git
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
good meeting
Sara says:
auditors
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
oh my, are you quite the liar. scary proposition
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
"HEY AUDITORS, MAKE SURE YOU DON'T BUY HER ANY THEATRE TICKETS OR ARRANGE TO TAKE HER OUT ANYWHERE"
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
i'm bored
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
entertain me
Sara says:
meeting
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
don't believe you mate
Sara says:
tought shit
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
"tought" - meaning?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
uh, hello?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
oi
Sara says:
fucking meeting
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
but you're online!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sara says:
yes
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
not in meeting then
Sara says:
fucking yes
Sara says:
i am
Sara says:
on and off
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
sorry, I'm in one of these moods today
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
bored
Sara says:
i can talk now for 5
Sara says:
but i might have to go
Sara says:
off and get stuuf
Sara says:
and i am leaving office in hour
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
so, wondering about Paypal, what's the hold up again?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you know Sri Lanka is flooded don't you
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you know, it renders me down to the level of the other people at BS you left money owing to, like our staying in touch and remaining friends has really equated to nothing
Sara says:
my dad has gone cos of teh flood
Sara says:
*the
Sara says:
fuck off
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
there's money to be had
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
so what is the hold up?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
did you go to that website?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
gone?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
what's he actually gone to Sri Lanka for?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
couriering aid?
Sara says:
im calling my bank now
Sara says:
yes
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
its an online credit card transaction
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
have you never used Ebay?
Sara says:
visa - bank - debit
Sara says:
okj
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
do you hate me?
Sara says:
no
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you act it sometimes
Sara says:
its year end im busy sorry
Sara says:
i dont hate you
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you should
Sara says:
why
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
obvious reasons
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:

Sara says:
im not that fickle
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you're a girl, you all are
Sara says:
whatever
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
ha ha
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
how's the bank going?
Sara says:
she is checking
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
sceptical
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
are you a twin?
Sara says:
what
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
is there a good Sara somewhere, to counter your evil Sara?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
lol
Sara says:
fuck off
Sara says:
fuck off
Sara says:
yeah, i do hate you at the second
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
little sense of humour?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
its my job
Sara says:
and mine is getting me year end closed!
Sara says:
do you have one yet....
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
nah, new years resolution is to mince and chav
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
need money for fags and booze
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
and fake Burberry
Sara says:
and the streets
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
so...........
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
how we doing?
Sara says:
left my account
Sara says:
my cc had been debited
Sara says:
so as far as im concerned not my problem
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
don't jump the gun
Sara says:
pardon
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
just, not yet
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
are you really doing year end while the auditors are also there? ouch
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
still there?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
the words "run" and "around" spring to mind.
Sara says:
stock take
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
lots of stock?
Sara says:
yes
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
bummer
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
don't think you bank has worked. bloody people
Sara says:
it has gone
Sara says:
perhaps its yours
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
ha ha
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you arse
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
lol
Sara says:
im tired
Sara says:
very tired
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
I bet
Sara says:
very
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
I'm quite tired too
Sara says:
why are you tired
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
late night
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
early morning
Sara says:
snap
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
someone coming round today
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you need a good nights sleep
Sara says:
sleep
Sara says:
whats that
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
so, when can I be expecting the money?
Sara says:
you tell me
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
why you not sleeping?
Sara says:
*read earlier comment
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
four days ago, it was four days
Sara says:
shagging
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you won't shit right for a week
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
see, you probably earned £80 last night then!!!!!
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
a person needs its sleep
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
what did the bank say then?
Sara says:
fuck off
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
did they say "hello, how can I help you?"
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
and you go "can I transfer some money please?"
Sara says:
no i said id like to check whether a payment has left my card
Sara says:
and you can fuck off with your comments
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
sorry but you can appreciate how I don't really trust you after what happened
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
but to execute Paypal, you do not need to involve a bank
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
so, obviously suspicious
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
oh!!!!!!! you know its on BBC2 this week
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you're really different right now since when you were in Australia
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you almost seem like a different person
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:

Sara says:
different?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
very
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
nasty
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you admitted yourself you've been mulling things over, telling me the other night how "you could get emo"
Sara says:
you are the only person that has said i have changed
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
one up for me then
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
whatever that means
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
still considering the move back to England?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
still broody?
Sara says:
england no
Sara says:
broody yes
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you were all concerned late last year "I'll be dead if I continue like this"
Sara says:
i dunno
Sara says:
i really dunno
Sara says:
off again soon
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
at which point you'll get lonely and starting thinking too much again
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
hating your job
Sara says:
i dont hate my job
Sara says:
lust being away for so long
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you were in Australia
Sara says:
*just
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you were expressing unhappiness about Dubai also
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
how everyone is fake and full of bullshit and how you are getting caught up in it all
Sara says:
its true they are
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
so, when in rome
Sara says:
but i thought the uk was a shit hole at the end of the day
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
no, your circumstances were shit hole
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
poor relatives with illnesses
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
that's quite a substantial part of the UK
Sara says:
yeah but i still thought england was shit
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
as opposed to living in a Muslim country
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
its not shit and you know it
Sara says:
it was
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you said "its so good to be home" and then suddenly some kind of reality hit you
Sara says:
shit
Sara says:
good for 2 weeks
Sara says:
then enuf
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
you can't even own your own home in Dubai
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
is your dad getting danger money for going to Sri Lanka?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
into the drink
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
gone?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:

JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
oi!!!!!!!!!!
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
meeting? thought it had gone a bit quiet
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
what was the name of the company you worked for again?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
so what you doing currently, on the phone to the imaginary bank or in a pretend meeting with the fictional auditors?
JGRAM MAAT - (NO MSN AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!) says:
BORED! AMUSE ME!

And with that, she goes off to lunch and I remain without my money (I am really being so cheap?). She does however, before leaving for lunch, tell me that she is “shagging” a squaddie. I guess, “you can take the girl out of Essex but you can’t….”

Dad comes online and hits me on MSN, telling me how he will be over later on this morning to drop some stuff (hoarded clutter) off at my flat and go up into the loft to renovate it somewhat. I’m not really sure if in my leasehold agreement/contract that this is allowable. Oh well, he is a man with a mission, in the zone.

Today isn’t going very well or productive already, which is capped when I check my library book (The Raymond Chandler Papers) to discover that it should have been returned yesterday. How much do they charge for overdue books these days?

Today I’m itchy about being unemployed again and today is the first day proper of job pursuing in 2005. I start off/out by telephoning my two employment agencies, starting with Hays. I don’t actually manage to speak to the gentleman I generally deal with but instead I speak another lady there who gives me some information. I feel in their eyes now, I have elevated my status to/as general bad penny/bad seed as the lady proceeds to tell me that is a problem with them gaining a reference from my previous employer prior to the company that dooced me. The lady on the line tells me how they have been quoted as saying: “it is against company policy to give references” which sounds pretty bad to me, did I go and upset them at some point too? No, joking aside, it is a peculiar practise but a very modern one I suspect to match the modern practises of the owner/director/partner. Ouch. I do remember, just before leaving, the company stitching up and dismissing the office manager for the most spurious of sexual harassment accusations, which I am sure would give birth/rise to reference issues, causing the implantation of such a policy. Regardless though I give the lady contact details at my employer prior to that in the hope of remedying the situation on the reference front. I ask the lady how the job front is looking and whether there are any positions currently open. She tells me that the gentleman I was trying to contact is himself currently speaking to employers and that they have been busy. I ask the lady about the supposed wealth of temporary positions that were supposed to be open in January and she tells me that due to my referencing problems that they have not been able to put me forward to/for any such positions. Then why on earth didn’t they contact me sooner? She then proceeds to mention the Alresford position I went up for just prior to Christmas which was ill suited for me to be honest and she goes to town on me, saying how all my interview technique was bad and how they need to be pitching me for the right vacancies and how that unfortunate interview was down to my doing. More ouch. Once more, communication with them leaves/renders me feeling unemployable, which doesn’t really give me much hope for when (if) the next interview turns up. My head begins to pound.

During the call, I receive a text from Ben and he tells me that he has managed to get Daniel Kitson tickets. Ding dang do.

With hope, I pick up the phone and approach the other personnel agency: Reed. This call proves shorter (curt?) and is also proves alarming. Whereas around my exams, I could stop them from telephoning me, all since Christmas it has (expectedly) been quiet on there part. I speak to the lady there and she says something arose from my last interview (the one in Hadleigh) with regards to the circumstances of my dismissal. Once more I fall over my words, failing to talk my way out of it. However the Reed seems to accept my plundering explanation, as unsatisfactory as it is. She does though remain tight-lipped when I ask about current positions and opportunities and when I ask about the possibility of any temp positions, after a brief wait, she returns with a nada. This is a worrying seachange compared to them ringing my phone off the hook a month ago in early December. None of this gets any easier.

With that, Dad arrives and suddenly there is even more on a plate than I could wish for/desire. I tell him I have been making calls and the outcome and he responds: “doesn’t look like you’re gonna get a job then”. Great, that’s just the kind of encouraging remark/statement my parents have become famous for.

With him, post arrives including a letter from the Job Centre enquiring further into the circumstances of my dismissal. Further headache, it seems I am yet more trouble and I have to prepare a statement for the Job Centre detailing the circumstances of my dismissal. You don’t win friends with salad. The letter reads:

“When someone claims Jobseeker’s Allowance and/or National Insurance credits we need to find out why their job ended. Your former employer XXXX has said that your job ended because you were dismissed for misconduct for publicly disclosing information (which) would be prejudicial to the good name of the partnership and not devoting the whole of his time during working hours to his duties.

If you lose your job through what the law calls misconduct you may lose Jobseeker’s Allowance and/or National Insurance credits up to 26 weeks.

We are writing to ask you for your version of how the job ended and to comment on what your former employer has said.

Please answer the questions and give your comments over the page even if you are already receiving Jobseeker’s Allowance. Send the completed form back as soon as you can and no later than one week from the date shown above. A pre-paid envelope or label is enclosed for this purpose. We may have to send a copy of what you say to your former employer.

Please note that it is in your interest to respond to this letter as you may lose Jobseeker’s Allowance/National Insurance if you do not.

Please note that this letter concerns your claim for Jobseeker’s Allowance and/or National Insurance credits only and not any other matter to do with the loss of your job (about which you may need to approach other authorities).”

Ouch, is this the “stick” that my old boss said he would be coming at me with? All I know is it is depression on a stick having to recount these incidents, not least for when my ex-employers claim “Did Mr Graham admit not devoting this time to his duties? Yes”. Gobsmacked. I quake as I write my retort to their version of events, I have the worst feeling that this is going to get worse before it gets better.

What I don’t understand about this situation is that if feasibly people cannot claim benefit for six months if they lose their job through misconduct, what are they supposed to do? Surely a fair proportion of people losing their jobs are through misconduct; not strictly a dismissal limited to thugs alone. My head no aches, it is spinning.

Dad hangs around my flat and does his thing and thankfully we manage to go a couple of hours around each other without falling out or arguing. He tells me how mum is feeling ill and has actually taken the day off work today; mum never takes days off work. And then Dad tells me how he has got to go to the doctors for tests this Friday before launching into his spiel and the latest news on how HIS old (except technically current) employers are making HIS life hell too. He was actually supposed to return to work this week but its apparent management don’t want him there (he’s old) but it is also apparent that they don’t want to make him redundant and pay him off. The words “run” and “around” apply to Dad’s situation and it all breaks your heart.

What was I doing at midday today?

Moving on, I phone up and sort out my late library book fine by the way, the fine being 12p and set about sorting out my finances with view to another month of paying for my mortgage on the credit card.

Late afternoon and I shake my head in disbelief: “today is Wednesday?”. Oh dear, I was completely convinced that today was Tuesday. Now there is a sure sign of losing it all.

I begin tearing apart my flat, attempting to tidy another forbidden part of my flat. I attempt to unearth various goodies and I actually dig out and find an old pair of girl’s underwear. Whoops, who did they belong to?

In the evening I do the “Good Son” bit and phone home to speak to Mum to ask how she is. She actually sounds pretty terrible on the other end of the line, vacant and distracted more than I have ever known her before. Prior to making the call and I braced myself for the likelihood of coping some flack but nothing of such heads my way. Oh dear, she must really be bad.

TV is hell tonight, What Women Want is on and it only serves to remind me of the time I took Bella to go see it at the cinema, when we had an argument before the movie but by the end were leaving in like, the film sure warmed the cockles of a happy pair.

Light relief for the evening occurs when I discover that I have downloaded the Peter Cook episode of Room 101 from 1993 (I think). Very funny.

That programme Desperate Housewives debuts on Channel Four tonight, so I fall for all the hype and watch that before turning in for bed shagged.

np: Derek And Clive - Records